justayyday asked: hey mon. how are shit these days? feeling better or only pressing on? saw your new tumbler posts. your kind of emo i read. your words not mine. well mine also since i just wrote them. well what i'm trying to say is that i relate to you in some ways. i'm pressing on when i think what i really would need is an out of this world breakdown. but i haven't got the financial security to do that. it would result in me loosing my apartment, my job, my faith in myself. how about you? you got an illness?
Yeah, man, I’ve got some pretty bad depression… But the thing is, I had a friend say some pretty angry but true stuff that got through to me. It’s only you that can change your tone and how you live. I practically don’t use this thing anymore purely because I’ve really got no need for it. I still have off days because of the depression and the anxiety but, for the majority, everything’s pretty much turned around.
It sucks that you’ve lost faith in yourself. I feel for you… The only way to move on is to say “you know what? Today’s shit, but one of these days, it’s going to move up”. It sounds cliched, but it actually works.
Stay strong, man. Willpower’s what gets you through.
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The friend that opens the umbrella behind you so you can be a dilophosaurus is the best friend you’ll ever have.
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How much sense does this make? I swear children are smarter than adults when it comes to philosophical questions…
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A Poignant Conversation
A friend of mine (who was responsible for the adoreable quote made a couple weeks back about my mindset) was talking to me today about Vaguebooking and the emotional status updates you constantly see, and he raised a very valid point that I thought I should share with you all…
“I was thinking about the whole Vaguebooking thing and it really made me wonder about some people. Like, I was talking to a girl the other night who I thought I was good friends with, and all of a sudden she just turned on me. Now, I get that she has a mental illness, but she started making all of these statuses about how she has no true friends and all the people around her are dicks… And every attempt that someone made to make her feel better, she’d just rebuke them and make them feel like a douche… How can she not see that we’re all trying to make an effort? If you’re willing to open up and let yourself be emotional, you should at least accept the fact that people are making an effort to be nice and maybe try to be nice back… It’s really not that difficult to have a piece of humility, no matter what kind of dark time you’re having… Everybody on this planet is, for the most part, a rational human being 100% of the time; even if some of that rationality fails us, we’re still left with a decent chuck that I like to call ‘Social Common Sense’… Yet so many people just act without thinking and fail to listen to that little voice telling them to practice that Social Common Sense…
So many of my friends claim that nobody is around for them or is willing to help them, but if you don’t actively ask for help, nobody’s gunna know. What, do you think that one of your friends will magically jump out of the woodwork and scream ‘Hey! I read your thoughts and, without any urging, came all this way to help you!’. If you’re waiting for that, it’ll never happen. The key point will always be that you need to think about what you say before you say it, because from all of the cases of this kind of dickishness, and yeah, there’s more than one person responsible, I’ve noticed one other thing: they all wonder why they have no friends willing to stick around when they go through their bad times… Who wants to be friends with someone who’s going to shut you down whenever you try to help them? Nobody.
People need to learn to appreciate what they have. By all means, ask for help, but don’t be angry if it’s not the exact help you want, and certainly don’t alienate your friends purely because they can’t give you exactly what you need. It’s selfish, ignorant, and it’ll lead you straight back to square one, where you’ll have NOBODY to try and pick you up when you hit the bottom”
All I could reply to this was ‘Wow’… But he’s right: don’t push people away just because you’re feeling lousy… And especially don’t be surprised when, if you do that, nobody’s around to help you the next time you’re down… Your friends will be around to help you if you need it, and it won’t be a problem for them if you practice some humility when they’re doing their thing. Just don’t take it for granted; you could ensure that they won’t come back
Goodnight kiddies, and I hope you learned something.
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This slayed me… Pure and utter wisdom from one of the greatest human beings on the planet…
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jaclynamy asked: You've been Tagged! The Rules: Each tagged person must post 10 things about themselves. You must choose and tag 10 people by going to their blogs and telling them. No tagging back. :)
… No
For Those About To Emo…
This is another one of my depressing, stupid and downright pathetic blog posts… If you’re sick to death of hearing me rant about how shitty my life is and all of my first world problems (which I’m assuming is most of you), ‘like’ the Facebook post that brought you here and carry on with life.
I often wonder to myself what my life would be like if I weren’t afflicted with all of my illnesses. It’s probably a stupid thought, akin to “what if I liked butter on toast?”, but I just imagine myself being able to enjoy life far more and actually take something away from it, instead of, every day, feeling more worthless and shitty as each long-ass hour carries on.
I was thinking out what I was going to splurge in here when I was on the bus home from New Year’s Eve. To have actually gone out and enjoyed myself, I feel, is a mammoth achievement for me. Chilling with some awesome people and just living it up was awesome, and I couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend the end of 2011. It was not, however, without an incredibly harsh lesson.
The two blokes in my group are both in very happy relationships, making me something of a 5th wheel. So these boys took it upon themselves to help find me someone, which was absolutely super… Except for the fact that, somehow, I just couldn’t manage to find any kind of momentum or motivation to actually WANT to find someone. It’s like I’m this walking contradiction: on one hand, I’m a desperately lonely creature, but on the other hand, part of me feels almost as though staying that way would be the most beneficial for all of us. I’m this self-deprecating monster that can’t seem to find any kind of esteem to warrant trying to get a girl’s attention, but in reality, that’s exactly what I need.
I spend a good deal of these blogs placing a good deal of the blame upon myself. But after last night, I think I can add so much more to that pile.
One of the little activities they’d set up was this “celebrity match-up” thing, where the singles each get given the name of a famous person, and the idea is for them to find their spouse’s name on the opposite sex. There were only 2-3 of each name, so you really did have to look fairly hard for them. I have a feeling I may have spoken to one of my potential matches (Peg Bundy to my Al Bundy) without realising it was them: my drunken memory at that stage detected the nametag, but after the conversation had ended. The second lady was a rather nice looking young girl, probably about 22-23. By this time, I’d sobered up quite heartily and was still in (by my standards) spectacularly good cheer, so I approached her. She saw me as I was walking up and immediately ripped off the nametag and put on her friend’s (her friend had 2 attached to her arm).
Complete and utter rejection. This shouldn’t be anything new, but something in me just snapped and said “dude, this is the reflection of your life”. I found a third ‘Peg’, who did exactly the same fucking thing. As you can imagine, I was downright miserable for the rest of the night, and for the most part, spent the turn of the year by myself with little to no motivation to talk to my friends, much less anyone else who might have at least pretended there was mistletoe somewhere at 12:00am this morning.
The little dude was right though: this is the reflection of my life, and it’s the reason I don’t have any motivation anymore. I’m so used to rejection that I see it as a foregone conclusion and just don’t bother with it anymore. And after last night, I almost feel vilified for thinking that: if a random stranger isn’t at least willing to say “oh hi, I’m your partner… I’m not interested in you, but hey, loverly meeting you” or something vaguely similar, why should I even bother trying? I think my next tattoo should just be directly across my forehead and reading #foreveralone.
So, 2012, I ask you: what’s next. Will I actually get to the point where I disappear entirely from the public purely due to my self-esteem surpassing its already-record-breaking low? Will I maybe find myself becoming even more recalcitrant, purely because I can? Will I get fired for all of my work mistakes and just revel in a state of complete and utter internal anarchy?
Any and all of the above are almost foregone conclusions. If how 2012 started is any indication of how the whole year will go, let’s just get this over with so I can die in the December Apocalypse and chill with the Mayans… Or maybe make it into 2013 and send Roland Emmerich a tonne of hatemail about his ‘broken promises’.
Goodnight kids, and I hope you learned something.
Heard a Most Interesting Thing
Got given a fantastic compliment tonight…
“You know what, man? You’re one of the mentally ill guys I can get to know and love, because you still have the respect for your friends… So many people have these random outbursts where they alienate anyone and everyone who’s trying to help them, and then they wonder why they’re alone. The pure fact is that people will understand and help you, but you need to at least make an attempt to be positive and move on, not dwell on the stupid shit and hide behind the fact that you’re ‘crazy’ and that people should tolerate you making them feel like douchebags every time they accidentally ignore you for a split second…
You’re not like that, man. You may be fucked up in every way imaginable, but at least you’re making a concerted effort to keep it together and move your shit along, so that the rest of us can still relate to you and still be friends with you”
This has actually given me perspective
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